I am afraid.
I've learned to shove it aside while working, carpooling and folding laundry.
But...it still manages to creep up and simmer; boiling over mostly when my house is sleeping and my mind won't shut off.
Deak stood up on his own in the middle of the floor several times tonight and walked with secure stability over to the couch where Blair and I were sitting.
It was so cool.
But, those stable walking legs are going to go through hell in a couple months and it breaks my heart to even let the thought flutter through in passing.
Deak, to put it simply, has to have a sort of double hip replacement in June. It's a lengthy hospital stay combined with a 6 week recovery, combined with months of physical therapy to regain his lost muscle strength and muscle memory.
The last time we had a surgery, we almost lost him.
I don't want to almost lose him again.
I've almost lost him enough.
I don't know if I can do it again.
I don't know if I can sit in that damn OR waiting room.
I don't know if I can watch him cry the kind of cry that only exists when one's body is experiencing physical pain.
I don't know if I can bear the loss of the tremendous progress he's fought so hard to have made this year, only to watch him have to do it all over again.
I just don't know if I can do it.
People sometimes tell me I am strong, but they have it all wrong.
I am scared out of my mind.
I survive most days by resisting the urge to let my mind go there.
But, some days I lose the battle.
My Deak, he is the strong one; The most pure form of courage I've ever known.
Some days, I just wish so badly he didn't have to be so courageous.
Join me May 4th, in celebrating my boy and his courage.
You won't leave uninspired, I promise.
Register ASAP to help ease his crazy mama's mind :)
See you soon.
Love,
Jenny
This is wonderfully raw and eloquent Jenny. Thank you for sharing Deak's story (and your own). It makes me feel less alone. All of my love to you and your family <3
ReplyDeleteReal courage is knowing the fear, and walking through it. He learned that kind of courage from his mom and dad a almost seven years ago. The two of you are courageous and you inspire Deak, as he inspires us, to be courageous. Ease the fear with this knowledge, Deak will walk from the bus through the front door with this surgery. Truthfully, the inspiration that is Deakon Howe, is just beginning:)
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